The Goddess Awakens

I sought out professional help but not just a therapist where I talk about my sad story, I wanted professional mental help from eye-opening spiritual practices. I listened to Wayne Dyer and Abraham Hicks on Youtube often and somehow this recommendation to listen to Joe Dispenza came to my attention so I gave him a shot. I found myself hooked on his talk about neurology and how the way we think affects our bodies. If we think negatively constantly then our body’s emotional and physical state will reflect that over time same with positive thoughts. This was crazy knowledge coming my way. I was sucked into learning more! If I can heal myself by changing how I think then I want to try it!

*** The Rest of the Story to be released Oct. 15th, 2022***

His Infidelity but My Shame?

My mystery man married his wife right after high school. They grew up together in the same school district and had the same friend group. I am not sure if this accident I am about to tell about happened during high school or after all I know is this. Let’s call him Brad and call his wife Lisa. Brad took Lisa and their friends out for a boat ride one day. Booze was flowing and everyone having a good time, as nightfall came it was time to wrap up the fun. The music playing loud Brad didn’t hear his friend say that Lisa was still in the water, Brad turned on the boat and instantly drove the boat forward. Well, the propeller cut Lisa shoulder to shoulder causing her to be physically disabled in her upper body. She had many surgeries her whole life to gain more and more mobility but from that moment on Brad felt guilt and the need to repay Lisa for the rest of his life. Brad and Lisa were already dating but this incident pushed Brad to support Lisa for life. They get married, and he remembers nothing from his wedding night. He said he showed up hammered and somehow pulled it off. Brad and Lisa never had kids, Brad a workaholic made sure Lisa had a comfortable housewife lifestyle. Both Brad and Lisa had amazing personalities! Lisa was always smiling she was intelligent and always threw a great house soiree. I never had conversations with Lisa like did she want kids? Was she happy? All I know is that Brad loved Lisa but throughout those years the love was lost. Brad knew Lisa had a fling with at least two guys during their marriage but they never discussed it. It was a silent open marriage, I guess. It really doesn’t matter what the label was they both weren’t faithful the entire marriage. However, after he retired he mentioned to me one night in a high-end hotel room in Seattle that he is starting to fall back in love with his wife. He wants to take her to travel to Europe for 6 months and that he won’t be able to speak to me the entire time.

When they return he reaches out to me saying that him and his wife want to join my family and their mutual friends for memorial weekend. Are you fucking kidding me? Brad leaves for 6 months to refall in love with his wife while during this time I was in Seattle suffering deep depression. And now he wants me to put on a “face” for 4 days in front of everyone and act like NOTHING is happening between us. Yeah, no. I texted him back saying that memorial day weekend is not an option for him to attend. No joke, moments later my dad walks into the living room where I was and says “I guess Brad is too good for us, he can’t join Memorial Weekend.” The weekend comes and as you now know that is when I came clean about my relationship with Brad.

Brad’s Infidelity instantly became my shame.

Explain this to me, It’s been 4 years since I moved to Arizona and I think about him more than I should. When we ended our relationship it was peaceful but we never spoke to each other since. I have absolutely no clue what happened to his life, I heard he moved his wife or now ex-wife I am not sure their relationship now but she moved to a different state. The first two years in AZ were straight living in survival. I was working hard but also very mentally unstable. Suicide crossed my mind often, when I wasn’t working I was partying, sleeping around, and drinking dangerously. I absolutely resented the idea of therapy and thought I can get myself back on my feet alone. I’d tell myself “I don’t need help”… yeah fucking right. I also felt like I couldn’t ask for help from my parents. I felt they already viewed me as a disgrace and didn’t want anything to do with me. I let my negative thoughts of what “I” thought they perceived me as run wild for 2 years. I couldn’t even go home for the holidays sober. I was uncomfortable in my own skin.

I was the victim here yet I was on the edge of ending my own life while this multi-millionaire man that destroyed me is probably out drinking margaritas on a beach somewhere. I had a close guy friend of mine come to the rescue more times than I can recall. He knew I was suicidal he constantly gave me verbal support and kind reassurance. I came close to dying twice, one accidental and one intentional. I could hear my mom’s voice both times when awaking in the hospital alone on life support. I’d hear her say, “ I don’t know what I would do without my baby girl if you died, come back to me.” Both times I was labeled on my medical wristband as Jane Doe nobody knew who I was. After the second almost-death experience, I made the decision I didn’t want to die as Jane Doe. I want to die living my life with purpose, helping and healing others. This began the next chapter of my life.

OMG I’m Addicted

I came to Arizona the second time after breaking free from my arrangement. I stayed with my aunt for a few months this time around looking for a job was hard because I didn’t want to just work anywhere and I didn’t want to settle for pay that didn’t pay my bills. A month passes and I find myself collecting debt again to pay my car, insurance, gas & food for my dog and me. I had a moment of stress. When you live in a state of survival you do or relive what you’ve always done in the past. I gave into downloading the sugar daddy site again. As much as I didn’t want to go back to that life it was also my security and comfort.

As much as I wanted to walk away from it I was low-key addicted to that lifestyle. It was so bad that if a decent guy that was fun, outgoing, had great intentions, came around I wouldn’t give him the time of day if he didn’t make a certain net income. Or have the lifestyle I wanted which was to travel, go out to fancy places, you get it. Like how fucking low is that? There’s a difference between having standards and just being a snob.

It’s been 4 years since I moved to Arizona and I think about him more than I should. When we ended our relationship it was peaceful but we never spoke to each other since. I have absolutely no clue what happened to his life, I heard he moved his wife or now ex-wife I am not sure their relationship now but she moved to a different state. The first two years in AZ were straight living in survival. I was working hard but also very mentally unstable. Suicide crossed my mind often, when I wasn’t working I was partying, sleeping around, and drinking dangerously. I absolutely resented the idea of therapy and thought I can get myself back on my feet myself. I don’t need help… yeah fucking right. I also felt like I couldn’t ask for help from my parents. I felt they already viewed me as a disgrace and didn’t want anything to do with me. I let my negative thoughts of what “I” thought they perceived me as run wild for 2 years. I couldn’t even go home for the holidays sober I was uncomfortable in my own skin and even more so when I was around them being reminded of my failure.

I started my own business, pay my own bills, travel, etc. but I can’t help but think about my past. To be Continued…

Is This My Reality?

After 1 year tired of depression, anxiety, a living a lie, I awoke from a walking slumber. Was this really my reality? My body was in a constant state of stress, worry & doubt. I easily caught colds and had zero motivation. I was fighting the woman my mom raised and the woman whom I let create an unhealthy reality. I needed freedom and peace of mind again. Seattle weather doesn’t help your depression, it’s cloudy, wet, and cold most of the year. I noticed I was stuck living in the past and struggling to become someone that I knew was meant to be. I had a great job but always called out sick and after a year I lost it. See during this time I needed a job, I was trying not to rely on an this man because his money could disappear at any moment. I needed to have my own source of income, I panicked when I lost my job. You ALWAYS have a plan or backup savings to get you out of any situation. I had a girlfriend that always relied on men to pay her bills. One guy got her into this nice apartment under her name, he paid for rent but after 4 months of living in her new apartment, he ends things like that! This friend just had a kid, bought a new car, and living in a new apartment. Her day job was as a barista… there was no way she could afford her bills. She panicked and tried to find new guys quickly, seeking out a job but needed to pay a sitter. She became super depressed and on the verge of suicide. Never fully rely on someone else financially in an arrangement. If you do make sure you can afford that lifestyle once your main squeeze cuts out high and dry.

Shortly after I lost my job I moved back in with my parents “which I felt like even more of a failure” but looking back at it, it was a blessing! I got a job as a hairstylist 5 minutes from my parent’s house, I got out of debt and started working out again. However, my mystery man would still sneak in with his false reality which still kept me from true freedom. I needed to come clean with myself and my parents. Why did my parents need to know? Well here it is, the reason being is because this mystery man happened to be really good friends with them and not only that, he was married. My parents and others looked up to this man. He was adored by everyone but… He was in an “open” marriage, to say the least, my upbringing morals knew having sex with any married man or woman is still a sin. Memorial Weekend I had the drunken opportunity to come clean. Drunk honesty usually doesn’t end well but in this case, it was okay, to say the least. My dad started crying and my mom hugged me while we both fell to our knees crying together. It took about a week to discuss the how’s & why’s of the situation. For a long time, I hid my feelings. If you have ever done something you know you shouldn’t then you know sometimes you go numb... Meaning someone could tell you a sad story and you don’t feel remorse. I gained all my emotions that had been tucked away back at once. My chest felt heavy and I cried for days. I felt like a failure to have given in to this man because of a lifestyle that he flashed in my face. I fell for luxury over self-worth & morals. I constantly fought myself to be independent but when I had extra cash from “him” I spent it on stupid shit. I was in a state of keeping up with the Joneses and materialistic crap. Immediately after coming clean, I decided I needed to leave Seattle, I packed up and went back to Arizona. This time with the clear intentions to gain my mental and physical health back. I didn’t know how I would accomplish this but I knew what I wanted finally for the first time in years.

Between Two Lives

After the first night of our sealed sexual agreement my life changed, I changed, more than I knew I could or would. This man was so rich and made me feel secure in a world I felt so alone. He fed off my naiveness and gentle demeanor. It was a “natural” arrangement so effortless. I NEVER asked him for money, rent, nothing. He always just knew what I needed and provided it all. I had a flat tire on my Jetta and asked him for a referral company to get the tire replaced, he said, “give me a few and I will call you back.” The next thing I know a random guy is knocking on my door, the man said he was sent to pick up my car and drop off a temporary vehicle. When I got my car back, I had all new tires and tinted windows, oh and it was detailed. My mystery man just always went over and beyond for everyone and everything in life. When I moved to L.A. he helped out with rent but I also had that independent side of me so I worked hard to not need his support even though he could be a crutch to rely on. He visited me often in L.A. since his best guy friend lived in my complex also. Living in a penthouse next to Loni Anderson and Matt Barnes was UNREAL! I worked in Beverly Hills at a Martini Lounge called Nic’s Beverly Hills. Sadly Nic’s closed after 21 years open but it was the local’s spot! I met so many celebrities at 21 years old and, it consumed me. The way I dressed, acted even talked was snobby. I had a nice balance between being spoiled and supporting myself. Again, I never asked him for anything but he always provided. About 2 years of our arrangement passed and I realized I was over L.A. I needed to find a new job that made 5K after taxes per month and was long-term. To be honest, I was living a false reality in L.A. so I left. During the same time, my mystery man had just sold his company to Warren Buffet and retired at 40. He purchased a house in Maui, Hawaii. I had also returned to Seattle and moved back into my parent’s house. FUCK ME, shortly after moving to Seattle I found out we had our bi-annual family trip scheduled for Oahu. Fast-forward we are on the trip and my parents notified everyone attending the trip that My Mystery Man’s Wife would be flying over from Maui to visit and catch up. Yeah, you fucking read it right… My mystery man’s wife. Let it sink in…

Parents were overjoyed, on the other hand…well.. my heart stopped… for the past two years, I never needed to face these overwhelming thoughts or emotions. Automatically I felt sick to my stomach, all the guilt, shame, and toxic bullshit emotions I had at the beginning of my arrangement flooded back. I felt a heaviness on my chest, I couldn’t breathe and started to go numb in my hands and my face. This is called a panic attack. Also, the start of a year of my deepest depression. I had to face the woman with whom I have been secretly having an affair with her husband for a solid 8 hours. I had to smile, act calm and put on a face. I felt like the fakest person ever which was also against my character. If I have an issue I resolve it, I don’t mind confrontation but this was on another level and I felt like a coward. Shameful. Gross. I wanted to take a shower that would never end… I told my mystery man the situation and he naturally comforted me. He said he loved me and that everything would be fine. Pft, such crap. Or was it? Can you love more than one person at the same time? I believe so… However, I drowned that day and it open the doors to even worse behavior. I went full force toward the lack of self-worth gates and passed straight through like it was a marathon runner. I always talked to God, I asked God to give me the strength to get through this fight within. Never let my biggest sin be exposed because nobody else is strong enough to handle the truth. What a stupid lie…

Before we talk about the depression year let me wrap up the shit in between the two lives I was living. Both involved truth and deception by the way. The first was an independent successful young woman the second life was spoiled & glamorous. I was working in Bellevue, WA now as an Executive Assistant to the top Real Estate Agent in the state. This man was like Miranda Presley in the Devil Wears Prada and I was his Andy. He actually called me Andy on occasion even though my name wasn’t, in fact, he loved that movie! This job made my appearance to my family and the public, came across as classy, collected, and sophisticated, you would never know I lived paycheck to paycheck a drunk and mentally unstable. The second life only my friends saw which was having hundreds of dollars to go play with, bottle service, clubbing, and travel for free. I spent his money as quickly as I received it to show off this facade of a life that none of my friends could afford. And for what?

WTF This Just Happened

I knew if I was going to get into this lifestyle I wanted long-term but with the most ideal and yet handsome man. Therefore, I went on a few more dates never going all the way with rich men from the site. I did find myself experiencing BDSM with a guy a few times. Now that was interesting.. never had sex but always explored things you read in 50 shades of gray. This was my first time ever and it was with someone I barely knew! Crazy, was I changing and allowing my curiosity to overcome my morals? Or was I simply exploring my sexuality for me?

In the meantime, I was quickly hired at a high-end salon in Chandler, Arizona. I had the best schedule ever for a 21-year-old. I worked Wednesday - Saturday usually starting around noon or 2 PM and off at 9 PM. Plus when you’re 21 your hangovers are slim to none. haha oh boy, now it’s a 3-day hangover for me! I worked hard when I was on shift and made decent money just starting out. I had little to no overhead since I lived with my uncle for free.

A few months pass and I was invited one night to watch a Pacquiao fight at a fancy house in Scottsdale. A lot of people showed up and I found myself enjoying the night and meeting new acquaintances. Into the night the main host would check in with me to make sure I was having a good time. He was adored by everyone, dressed classy, and had these rich blue eyes that pulled you at the moment you made eye contact. Oh boy, eye contact... the quote “eye intensity can communicate lots of things” is REAL! I know at least once in your life you met someone and looked in their eyes and felt their true intentions or vibration of connection. I had this same eye contact connection with the host of the party though I ignored it at all costs.

About a month later he invited me to a different party with his friends. However when I showed the front house lights were out. I asked if they were still at the house and if I had the right address. He said, “ yes, we are all in the back around the pool.” When I entered the house, I noticed right away he was walking toward me. The second he got to me he grabbed me, one hand around my waist and the other on the back of my head. He leaned into me and before a word could get out of my mouth, his lips were on mine. I felt instantly shocked, sick, lustful, and secure all at once. What was he thinking? Clearly, he lured me into a night of bad decisions that would haunt me for the next few years to come…

Curiosity & The Fight Within

I always had this inner voice telling me I am destined to be successful. Many people have said I am a natural-born leader others called me wise for my young age. In high school, I was apart of my ASB Leadership Team, received several awards for the most influential, Top 10 Senior award, and even became prom queen my senior year. I was raised by a powerhouse businesswoman. My mother was devoted to work and her own success, she is truly an inspiring human. Growing up she would put audiotapes of (Rich Dad Poor Dad) in my car that I would have to listen to every time I drove. I always had books on business & leadership through high school. Mother pushed me to get my first job at 16 years old and I did through my first interview at a local high-end restaurant. I started as a hostess and 3 years later I resigned as Front House, Events & Marketing Manager. I had a massive influence on the community and had a strong relationship with my god.

My mom watched my finances and actions like a hawk, so much that my actions and character showed her through me to my friends. My friends would call me the “mom” of the group. My mom made me strong mentally, physically and eager to strive for greatness… whatever that may be. Though, that chapter of me died shortly after graduating. I attended cosmetology school and about halfway through I was introduced to a site that would change me for the next 10 years.

During cosmetology school, I experienced my first and only heartbreak. This heartbreak lasted over a year and I finally decided I didn’t want to date again but wanted a companion. Someone to travel with, go to the movies, dinner, cuddle, all of the things dating would involved but without the title. I found myself having a conversation with a schoolmate that was 7 years older than me about what I was looking for. She said, “oh, so like an arrangement?” I replied “a what?” She then pulled out her phone and showed me a website. This website was for adults to come together with clear intentions on what one wants from one another. Now, it’s not a “traditional” relationship. Though a relationship should be when two adults come together with clear intentions. Sometimes we get into relationships because we absolutely have no fucking clue what we want. And we believe that having someone else will magically help all your demons, problems & insecurities to go away. An arrangement is well, I will let you decide.

I was indeed curious about this site, but something within me felt like it would be opening a door that I wasn’t prepared for. And damn, I sure wasn’t. See my clear intentions were to find a friend. Someone to go to the movies with or night outs and strictly friends. Every man that I had conversations with on this site, at the end of the day always wanted more… The first man I was introduced to from this site actually viewed my profile as a resume. He asked if we could meet over coffee and talk about an internship. He just started a Fashion Magazine and he was looking for an executive assistant to help get things going. I guess my profile was more professional than I thought lol Nonetheless, It opened a door for me.

While working for this magazine I was introduced to flattering people, dazzled dinners, and parties. On occasion, I’d even model for the magazine. This lasted almost 2 years and by the time I ended my internship, I was also ending work in an elite salon. I had this inner calling for a long time telling me to move and leave Seattle. This inner calling said to me '“there’s something bigger out there for you. Don’t be afraid of change.” So I packed my VW Jetta up with my belongings, and my dog and moved. I was born in Arizona and still had family there so deciding on moving to AZ wasn’t off the wall, I knew I would have help if needed. When I moved there I had been on a few dates with men from the site. Some of these encounters gave me new life, and new insights but my moral value was still fighting. You wouldn’t believe how many of these men were married! I would leave these dinner dates so lost and confused on why… Why, would these men be interested in risking their marriage for a date with me? Obviously, they wanted the date to move on more than conversation and drinks.

I was curious to understand “why” so many married men were on the hunt for arrangements. So I started asking them while on the dates and the responses were not what I’d expected. Some men said they were only married to benefit both families financially, some said they need an escape from constant yelling and lack of communication. That answer was funny to me because they wanted an arrangement with communication but couldn’t get it in their marriage. Just think if we approached all our relationships with an arrangement mindset? Content with what we want from one another. However, still, at the end of the day, my curiosity and the fight within didn’t stop here.