Is This My Reality?
After 1 year tired of depression, anxiety, a living a lie, I awoke from a walking slumber. Was this really my reality? My body was in a constant state of stress, worry & doubt. I easily caught colds and had zero motivation. I was fighting the woman my mom raised and the woman whom I let create an unhealthy reality. I needed freedom and peace of mind again. Seattle weather doesn’t help your depression, it’s cloudy, wet, and cold most of the year. I noticed I was stuck living in the past and struggling to become someone that I knew was meant to be. I had a great job but always called out sick and after a year I lost it. See during this time I needed a job, I was trying not to rely on an this man because his money could disappear at any moment. I needed to have my own source of income, I panicked when I lost my job. You ALWAYS have a plan or backup savings to get you out of any situation. I had a girlfriend that always relied on men to pay her bills. One guy got her into this nice apartment under her name, he paid for rent but after 4 months of living in her new apartment, he ends things like that! This friend just had a kid, bought a new car, and living in a new apartment. Her day job was as a barista… there was no way she could afford her bills. She panicked and tried to find new guys quickly, seeking out a job but needed to pay a sitter. She became super depressed and on the verge of suicide. Never fully rely on someone else financially in an arrangement. If you do make sure you can afford that lifestyle once your main squeeze cuts out high and dry.
Shortly after I lost my job I moved back in with my parents “which I felt like even more of a failure” but looking back at it, it was a blessing! I got a job as a hairstylist 5 minutes from my parent’s house, I got out of debt and started working out again. However, my mystery man would still sneak in with his false reality which still kept me from true freedom. I needed to come clean with myself and my parents. Why did my parents need to know? Well here it is, the reason being is because this mystery man happened to be really good friends with them and not only that, he was married. My parents and others looked up to this man. He was adored by everyone but… He was in an “open” marriage, to say the least, my upbringing morals knew having sex with any married man or woman is still a sin. Memorial Weekend I had the drunken opportunity to come clean. Drunk honesty usually doesn’t end well but in this case, it was okay, to say the least. My dad started crying and my mom hugged me while we both fell to our knees crying together. It took about a week to discuss the how’s & why’s of the situation. For a long time, I hid my feelings. If you have ever done something you know you shouldn’t then you know sometimes you go numb... Meaning someone could tell you a sad story and you don’t feel remorse. I gained all my emotions that had been tucked away back at once. My chest felt heavy and I cried for days. I felt like a failure to have given in to this man because of a lifestyle that he flashed in my face. I fell for luxury over self-worth & morals. I constantly fought myself to be independent but when I had extra cash from “him” I spent it on stupid shit. I was in a state of keeping up with the Joneses and materialistic crap. Immediately after coming clean, I decided I needed to leave Seattle, I packed up and went back to Arizona. This time with the clear intentions to gain my mental and physical health back. I didn’t know how I would accomplish this but I knew what I wanted finally for the first time in years.