Between Two Lives
After the first night of our sealed sexual agreement my life changed, I changed, more than I knew I could or would. This man was so rich and made me feel secure in a world I felt so alone. He fed off my naiveness and gentle demeanor. It was a “natural” arrangement so effortless. I NEVER asked him for money, rent, nothing. He always just knew what I needed and provided it all. I had a flat tire on my Jetta and asked him for a referral company to get the tire replaced, he said, “give me a few and I will call you back.” The next thing I know a random guy is knocking on my door, the man said he was sent to pick up my car and drop off a temporary vehicle. When I got my car back, I had all new tires and tinted windows, oh and it was detailed. My mystery man just always went over and beyond for everyone and everything in life. When I moved to L.A. he helped out with rent but I also had that independent side of me so I worked hard to not need his support even though he could be a crutch to rely on. He visited me often in L.A. since his best guy friend lived in my complex also. Living in a penthouse next to Loni Anderson and Matt Barnes was UNREAL! I worked in Beverly Hills at a Martini Lounge called Nic’s Beverly Hills. Sadly Nic’s closed after 21 years open but it was the local’s spot! I met so many celebrities at 21 years old and, it consumed me. The way I dressed, acted even talked was snobby. I had a nice balance between being spoiled and supporting myself. Again, I never asked him for anything but he always provided. About 2 years of our arrangement passed and I realized I was over L.A. I needed to find a new job that made 5K after taxes per month and was long-term. To be honest, I was living a false reality in L.A. so I left. During the same time, my mystery man had just sold his company to Warren Buffet and retired at 40. He purchased a house in Maui, Hawaii. I had also returned to Seattle and moved back into my parent’s house. FUCK ME, shortly after moving to Seattle I found out we had our bi-annual family trip scheduled for Oahu. Fast-forward we are on the trip and my parents notified everyone attending the trip that My Mystery Man’s Wife would be flying over from Maui to visit and catch up. Yeah, you fucking read it right… My mystery man’s wife. Let it sink in…
Parents were overjoyed, on the other hand…well.. my heart stopped… for the past two years, I never needed to face these overwhelming thoughts or emotions. Automatically I felt sick to my stomach, all the guilt, shame, and toxic bullshit emotions I had at the beginning of my arrangement flooded back. I felt a heaviness on my chest, I couldn’t breathe and started to go numb in my hands and my face. This is called a panic attack. Also, the start of a year of my deepest depression. I had to face the woman with whom I have been secretly having an affair with her husband for a solid 8 hours. I had to smile, act calm and put on a face. I felt like the fakest person ever which was also against my character. If I have an issue I resolve it, I don’t mind confrontation but this was on another level and I felt like a coward. Shameful. Gross. I wanted to take a shower that would never end… I told my mystery man the situation and he naturally comforted me. He said he loved me and that everything would be fine. Pft, such crap. Or was it? Can you love more than one person at the same time? I believe so… However, I drowned that day and it open the doors to even worse behavior. I went full force toward the lack of self-worth gates and passed straight through like it was a marathon runner. I always talked to God, I asked God to give me the strength to get through this fight within. Never let my biggest sin be exposed because nobody else is strong enough to handle the truth. What a stupid lie…
Before we talk about the depression year let me wrap up the shit in between the two lives I was living. Both involved truth and deception by the way. The first was an independent successful young woman the second life was spoiled & glamorous. I was working in Bellevue, WA now as an Executive Assistant to the top Real Estate Agent in the state. This man was like Miranda Presley in the Devil Wears Prada and I was his Andy. He actually called me Andy on occasion even though my name wasn’t, in fact, he loved that movie! This job made my appearance to my family and the public, came across as classy, collected, and sophisticated, you would never know I lived paycheck to paycheck a drunk and mentally unstable. The second life only my friends saw which was having hundreds of dollars to go play with, bottle service, clubbing, and travel for free. I spent his money as quickly as I received it to show off this facade of a life that none of my friends could afford. And for what?