His Infidelity but My Shame?
My mystery man married his wife right after high school. They grew up together in the same school district and had the same friend group. I am not sure if this accident I am about to tell about happened during high school or after all I know is this. Let’s call him Brad and call his wife Lisa. Brad took Lisa and their friends out for a boat ride one day. Booze was flowing and everyone having a good time, as nightfall came it was time to wrap up the fun. The music playing loud Brad didn’t hear his friend say that Lisa was still in the water, Brad turned on the boat and instantly drove the boat forward. Well, the propeller cut Lisa shoulder to shoulder causing her to be physically disabled in her upper body. She had many surgeries her whole life to gain more and more mobility but from that moment on Brad felt guilt and the need to repay Lisa for the rest of his life. Brad and Lisa were already dating but this incident pushed Brad to support Lisa for life. They get married, and he remembers nothing from his wedding night. He said he showed up hammered and somehow pulled it off. Brad and Lisa never had kids, Brad a workaholic made sure Lisa had a comfortable housewife lifestyle. Both Brad and Lisa had amazing personalities! Lisa was always smiling she was intelligent and always threw a great house soiree. I never had conversations with Lisa like did she want kids? Was she happy? All I know is that Brad loved Lisa but throughout those years the love was lost. Brad knew Lisa had a fling with at least two guys during their marriage but they never discussed it. It was a silent open marriage, I guess. It really doesn’t matter what the label was they both weren’t faithful the entire marriage. However, after he retired he mentioned to me one night in a high-end hotel room in Seattle that he is starting to fall back in love with his wife. He wants to take her to travel to Europe for 6 months and that he won’t be able to speak to me the entire time.
When they return he reaches out to me saying that him and his wife want to join my family and their mutual friends for memorial weekend. Are you fucking kidding me? Brad leaves for 6 months to refall in love with his wife while during this time I was in Seattle suffering deep depression. And now he wants me to put on a “face” for 4 days in front of everyone and act like NOTHING is happening between us. Yeah, no. I texted him back saying that memorial day weekend is not an option for him to attend. No joke, moments later my dad walks into the living room where I was and says “I guess Brad is too good for us, he can’t join Memorial Weekend.” The weekend comes and as you now know that is when I came clean about my relationship with Brad.
Brad’s Infidelity instantly became my shame.
Explain this to me, It’s been 4 years since I moved to Arizona and I think about him more than I should. When we ended our relationship it was peaceful but we never spoke to each other since. I have absolutely no clue what happened to his life, I heard he moved his wife or now ex-wife I am not sure their relationship now but she moved to a different state. The first two years in AZ were straight living in survival. I was working hard but also very mentally unstable. Suicide crossed my mind often, when I wasn’t working I was partying, sleeping around, and drinking dangerously. I absolutely resented the idea of therapy and thought I can get myself back on my feet alone. I’d tell myself “I don’t need help”… yeah fucking right. I also felt like I couldn’t ask for help from my parents. I felt they already viewed me as a disgrace and didn’t want anything to do with me. I let my negative thoughts of what “I” thought they perceived me as run wild for 2 years. I couldn’t even go home for the holidays sober. I was uncomfortable in my own skin.
I was the victim here yet I was on the edge of ending my own life while this multi-millionaire man that destroyed me is probably out drinking margaritas on a beach somewhere. I had a close guy friend of mine come to the rescue more times than I can recall. He knew I was suicidal he constantly gave me verbal support and kind reassurance. I came close to dying twice, one accidental and one intentional. I could hear my mom’s voice both times when awaking in the hospital alone on life support. I’d hear her say, “ I don’t know what I would do without my baby girl if you died, come back to me.” Both times I was labeled on my medical wristband as Jane Doe nobody knew who I was. After the second almost-death experience, I made the decision I didn’t want to die as Jane Doe. I want to die living my life with purpose, helping and healing others. This began the next chapter of my life.