OMG I’m Addicted
I came to Arizona the second time after breaking free from my arrangement. I stayed with my aunt for a few months this time around looking for a job was hard because I didn’t want to just work anywhere and I didn’t want to settle for pay that didn’t pay my bills. A month passes and I find myself collecting debt again to pay my car, insurance, gas & food for my dog and me. I had a moment of stress. When you live in a state of survival you do or relive what you’ve always done in the past. I gave into downloading the sugar daddy site again. As much as I didn’t want to go back to that life it was also my security and comfort.
As much as I wanted to walk away from it I was low-key addicted to that lifestyle. It was so bad that if a decent guy that was fun, outgoing, had great intentions, came around I wouldn’t give him the time of day if he didn’t make a certain net income. Or have the lifestyle I wanted which was to travel, go out to fancy places, you get it. Like how fucking low is that? There’s a difference between having standards and just being a snob.
It’s been 4 years since I moved to Arizona and I think about him more than I should. When we ended our relationship it was peaceful but we never spoke to each other since. I have absolutely no clue what happened to his life, I heard he moved his wife or now ex-wife I am not sure their relationship now but she moved to a different state. The first two years in AZ were straight living in survival. I was working hard but also very mentally unstable. Suicide crossed my mind often, when I wasn’t working I was partying, sleeping around, and drinking dangerously. I absolutely resented the idea of therapy and thought I can get myself back on my feet myself. I don’t need help… yeah fucking right. I also felt like I couldn’t ask for help from my parents. I felt they already viewed me as a disgrace and didn’t want anything to do with me. I let my negative thoughts of what “I” thought they perceived me as run wild for 2 years. I couldn’t even go home for the holidays sober I was uncomfortable in my own skin and even more so when I was around them being reminded of my failure.
I started my own business, pay my own bills, travel, etc. but I can’t help but think about my past. To be Continued…